Today we had the boys parent / teacher conference with their pre-school teacher. As my husband and I sat listening to their teacher talk about our boys, I began to get emotional. Here we are, almost at the end of their first year of pre-school and they are thriving. It seems like yesterday I was panicking about their first day.
I remember in the early days, looking at my newborn twins and wondering what they would look like at this age. What would their personalities be like? It all seemed so far off.
The Early Days
Being a new mom, to twins, with no family close by. And a husband whose work schedule, basically left me single parenting it Monday Friday. There were days I wished the time away. I wanted it to get easier. Wanted the grueling feeding schedule to end. I wanted to be able to go places. Then go places with ease. I had moments when I wanted the bottles, puree foods and diapers to go away. The days when they couldn’t speak and I had no idea what they wanted. There were so many days I was so grateful were over.
Those yearly months were so hard, and the future seemed impossible to reach. Yet here we are. Finishing up their first year of school. Now I have guilt of wishing some of those early days away. Had I really understood how fast this would go, would I change it? Maybe? I don’t know.
When I got home from our meeting with their teacher, all of these thoughts were spinning in my head. Along with utter pride at how well the boys are doing. I sat in the yard and cried for the time that flew by and the time that will fly past. And made a promise to not wish away any days again, because before I know it, we will be at their last high school parent / teacher conference.
4 HOURS LATER….
It is 3pm and I have broken my own promise. My precious angels who are the darlings of their pre-school class, have morphed into evil little anarchists. After about 5 fights, 3 hitting episodes, a whining marathon and every toy taken out, I am desperate for this day to end.
Bedtime cannot come fast enough. I am thinking of putting them to bed a half hour early just so I don’t have to deal with them. Gone is the sentimentality of years gone by. Hello to the realization that parenting twins is like walking a tight rope, at any moment a gust of twin wind will push you off.
I have some guilt that I can’t wait for today to be over. Especially given my tear filled pact to the universe only hours earlier. But I also have to be realistic. Parenting makes you a crazy person. You are crying because you love your babies more than life itself and want to inhale every bit of their baby / toddlerness. Or you are crying because two 3 year olds can knock me to my knees in an instant. Leaving me wondering, if I am actually a capable adult and realizing I have no control over anything.
I guess I just have to accept that parenting is an emotional rollercoaster. You will be screaming with excitement and joy, relishing in the fun. Than in instant later, break down at the top of the hill and leave you sitting there for hours, waiting for someone to rescue you.
Also published on Medium.