Once your kids hit toddler status, potty training becomes the topic du jour pretty much everywhere you go. Thankfully, we are past the “training” phase of that milestone. The boys have been out of diapers since they were 23 months old, when we decided it was the right time to get them going on the potty. However, in the past 9 months I have come to the realization that there is so much more to potty training than just the getting them out of the diapers. I liken my lot in life these days to the Piss Boy from Monty Python’s History of the World. It has been a sad realization that my primary role has become handling shit and piss all day long, because with twins it can seem like a never-ending cycle.
Getting them out of diapers and onto the potty was almost life-ending, and by that I meant I seriously considered sticking my head in the oven. I have heard that for some families it was a breeze, as if their kids had always used the potty. That wasn’t the case for us, however, once they got it, I thought for sure life would be easier. And in some ways it really is. I don’t have to wrestle anyone down while simultaneously changing a diaper and trying to make sure poop doesn’t end up on the floor because a little body is using all its strength to escape. Also, we have saved a ton of money. Buying diapers for two is extremely costly and even though we used cloth as well, our bank account took a hit every month.
What comes next, moms, is that your day job becomes that of the Piss Boy. Small bladders equal a lot of pee and of course there is no one else in the world who can help you go to the bathroom other than mommy. I don’t know what about me screams “your main job is to wipe my ass lady,” but that is what it has come to. My husband can be sitting right beside them and suddenly “mama, pee! is bellowed out to me, across the house in another room. Kris will try to help them and they freak out saying “mommy do it.” So in I come, bucket in hand. At times, even the dog only wants me to take him out. I guess after 9 months of watching me lug around full potty chairs he too believes my job title is “shit picker-upper.”
Over the course of one day I probably handle anywhere from 10-15 buckets of poop and pee. It’s not only assisting them on the potty but having to clean it out after every use. Not to mention the times when we aren’t going to make it to the bathroom so we pee outside and they pee all over my shoes, pants and even worse, my hands, because they were distracted by a blade of grass whilst going to the bathroom. My friend said it once after being shit on in a car wash bathroom, motherhood is degrading.
There is a lot of knowledge moms bestowed to soon to be moms, and yet somehow, the mass amounts of urine and shit that will be spilled on you doesn’t make it to the list of topics. In my humble opinion it should make the top ten, wedged somewhere between what happens to your body postpartum and sleep training. So new moms, I am letting you in on what your future is like once you have children and twin mom’s it is literally double the work. At this point there seems no end in sight, and on that note me and my bucket are being summoned.